A Planet Best Avoided

Carl Sagan was born on November 9, 1934. He spent his life searching for intelligent life in the universe. A tactful man, apparently: he didn't start on Earth. Humanity still wants to know whether there's anyone out there. Why remains a mystery. It won't even speak to its neighbours, yet dreams of making friends across the galaxy. With Sagan's help, each Voyager probe carried a golden record into space. Music, sounds of nature, greetings. Humanity put its best face forward. Like a dating profile that somehow left out the wars. But perhaps someone out there has been watching us for years. They see a species that can send probes towards the stars, yet still fights over who gets to hold the caveman's club back home. It invented the internet to connect humanity. Now it mostly brings people together so they can hate everyone else as a group. Eventually, an extraterrestrial observer submits a report: "Technology: advanced. Self-awareness: limited. Intelligence: occasionally observed in individuals. Rarely detected in groups. Conflict resolution: another conflict." The response from headquarters is brief: "Steer well clear of Earth. All contact prohibited. If they find out we exist, sooner or later they'll hold elections on our planet, too." Carl Sagan searched the cosmos for intelligence. In the end, the question isn't whether it's out there. It's whether anyone out there would want to talk to us.